Nuclear MINTer Ice Cream, with White Chocolate Hot Sludge
So… all of the world’s nuclear bombs have been detonated. What are you going to do? Sit in your bunker and sob for the fate of humanity??
I mean, sure that’s an alright idea, but what about embracing the impending nuclear winter? You know that classic saying….”when life hands you devastation and mass destruction, make ice cream!” I bet you never thought you’d actually have a use for that CLASSIC saying. Well, now you do!
I present to you Nuclear MINTer Ice Cream! The perfect dessert for those lonely days stuck underground, weeping, clawing at the mildewing concrete until your fingernails crack and bleed, where you just want to down an entire pint of ice cream by yourself (I won’t judge).
First things first, since you’ve got all the time in the world now, it shouldn’t be a problem that this recipe takes up to three days to complete from start to finish. (Or less if you’ve got some kinda fancy ice cream machine down in your bunker, or don’t want your ice cream to be perfect quality…I’m not judging…ok maybe I am but like why wouldn’t you want perfect ice cream???) I know, I know…. “Everyone I knew and loved is dead! I want my ice cream now!” But trust me, it’ll be 100% worth the wait.
Day one:
Put your freezer bowl attachment thing into the freezer and let it chill overnight. Meanwhile, start on your ice cream base.
In a large pot on the stove, combine 3 ¾ cups whole milk, 3 cups heavy cream, ½ tsp salt, and ¼ cup corn syrup. Stir to combine and put the heat to medium high. (You can leave out the corn syrup if that makes you feel icky...I mean that’s probably just the radiation poisoning, but I’m not here to tell you how to live your life).
While that’s getting warm, separate and weigh out your 225g of yolks. It’s going to end up being about eleven eggs worth depending on how radioactive the chickens were when they laid them. Put your yolks into a large mixing bowl, and set aside. Next weigh your 320g of sugar into...whatever clean container you can find. Add your milk powder (and ice cream stabilizer if you’ve got it) into the sugar and whisk it together then set it aside.
Once the milk mixture on the stove (or burning pile of rubble, or whatever you’ve got lying around that you can light on fire) has reached a simmer or about 175 degrees F, turn the heat down.
Now you’re going to pour your sugar into the large bowl with the yolks, and whisk until combined. Ladle the hot milk mixture into the yolk mixture to temper the yolks and make sure that they don’t instantly curdle/cook once you pour them back into the pot with the milk. Whisk and keep adding milk until the yolk/milk mixture is warm to the touch. Resist the urge to plunge your face into the hot creamy mixture and inhale until the pain stops. Now pour that yolk mixture into the pot and stir constantly using a spatula until the mixture reaches 175 degrees F or a la nappe (means it coats the back of your spoon or spatula so that if you were to draw a line through it with your finger, it wouldn’t drip at all). Like this:
Make sure to scrape the bottom of the pan as you stir so that the eggs don’t settle on the bottom and cook/burn. I like to use a rubber spatula for this reason because does a better job of scraping the bottom with each movement. I also like to hug my knees to my chest and rock back and forth gently, reciting the names of my lost loved ones.
When the base is done (175 degrees or a la nappe), remove from the heat immediately and strain into a container that you can store in the fridge. Before you store it though, give that sucker an ice bath. Meaning...put the container that you strained the base into into a bigger container filled part way with ice and water. This will help cool your base down faster and keep it safe to eat because putting the piping hot liquid directly into the refrigerator can cause all kinds of bacteria to form, and this is a nuclear apocalypse not a bacterial pandemic...we’ll get to that later.
Once the base has reached room temp, go ahead and cover it and put it in your fridge overnight. The longer the base has to chill the better the impending ice cream will turn out. It IS possible to combine all steps into one day, I just think the texture and over all quality of the ice cream is better when the base can chill for 24 hours.
Day Two:
The next day is more fun. You get to actually make the ice cream!! Get that ice cream base out of the fridge and let’s get started. Grab some sort of mixing instrument, the peppermint extract, vanilla extract, and green & yellow food coloring.
Add 1 Tablespoon of peppermint extract, ½ teaspoon vanilla extract, ½ teaspoon green food color, and ¼ teaspoon yellow food color to your base. Mix that sucker well until it looks like it the color of radioactive sludge. You may need to add more or less food coloring than I’ve suggested depending on what kind you use, or your personal preference. I used the regular ol’ stuff you can get at the flaming crater that used to be a grocery store. Do keep in mind that churning your ice cream adds air into it and will lighten the color, so it’s always good to add a little more color to it than you think it will need. Especially if you want it to be a bright color. And you should want that! Colors are fun and this is supposed to look as radioactive as it is outside.
Now that the base is ready, grab that ice cream machine bowl (or whatever you use) out of the freezer and pour your base into it. Follow the instructions for your ice cream maker to churn the ice cream!
While that’s getting all frozen and stuff, prep your debris for mixing in. I used a mix of semi-sweet chocolate chips, chopped up Oreos and brownie bits, however you can use whatever you’d like, or keep it plain! Follow that somehow still beating heart of yours and put whatever you want in it! Only have bits of wood and ash that form the last remains of your childhood home? Throw that in! The charred bones of your enemies? Throw those in and soak up their powers! You get the idea! Have fun with it!**
**But actually, you should only put edible things into it because that other stuff will probably kill you faster than the radiation poisoning from the toxic atmosphere.
Churn the ice cream for the proper amount of time (follow your ice cream maker’s instructions), and scrape it out into a freezer safe container. Gently fold in your mix-ins, making sure to get them mixed evenly throughout. Cover that puppy, and throw it in your freezer! Let it freeze overnight for the best results.
Day Three:
Whip up that Toxic Hot Sludge and then it’s Nuclear MINTer Ice Cream Party!
The hot sludge will feel as easy as life was before the never ending nuclear induced winter.
In a pot in the same place that you cooked your ice cream base, heat your heavy cream and marshmallow fluff until the fluff is all melted in (if you want to make this radioactive green as well, now would be the time to add your green and yellow food coloring). While that heats up, weigh out the chocolate chips into a heat safe bowl. Once the cream and fluff is hot and smooth, take it off the heat and pour it over the white chocolate chips. Whisk that together until it is all nice and smooth and thick. The consistency should be something like a thick caramel sauce, sort of like this:
Let it cool a little bit so it doesn’t melt your ice cream as fast as the initial explosion melted the flesh off your friends and family.
Now it’s time to tell all your friends who are still alive to throw on their warmest parkas and come over from their bunkers to partake in your masterpiece. Maybe even offer up some extra to one of the drifting marauders as a peace offering. Everyone loves ice cream!
Nuclear Minter Ice Cream
prep time: 1 hr
cook time: 45 mins
total time: about 3 days (or less if you don't like perfect ice cream)
Servings: 2 qts finished ice cream
Ingredients:
- 3 ¾ c. Milk, Whole
- 3 c. Heavy Cream
- ½ tsp Salt
- ¼ c. Corn Syrup
- 225 g. Egg Yolks (about 11 each)
- 320 g. Sugar (1 1/3 c. + 1T + 1tsp)
- 1/4 c. Non-Fat Milk Powder
- 1/2 tsp. Ice Cream Stabilizer (optional)
flavors & color (color is optional but definitely more fun):
1 Tbsp. Peppermint Extract
½ tsp. Vanilla Extract
½ tsp. Green Food Color
¼ tsp. Yellow Food Color
“Charred Debris” aka Mix-ins:
Crushed Oreos
Chocolate Chips
Brownie Pieces
Method:
Put milk, cream, salt, and corn syrup into a large pot on the stove, stir it together, and turn the heat to med/high.
Weigh yolks into a large bowl, set aside.
Weigh sugar into bowl with the milk powder and ice cream stabilizer. Whisk together and set aside
When milk mixture is at 175 degrees F, or a light simmer, you can add sugar to the yolks and whisk together.
Temper yolk mix with hot milk from the pot, then pour warm yolk mix into the pot on the stove.
Stir constantly until 175 degrees F or a la nappe.
Strain and chill in an ice bath.
Cool in fridge overnight. (Can be omitted but makes more creamy ice cream if chilled overnight.)
Add flavors and colors.
Churn ice cream in your machine according to the manufacturer’s instructions.
Fold in mix-ins and put in a freezer safe container.
Cover and freeze until solid.
Enjoy your final moments!
Toxic White Chocolate Hot Sludge
Lindsay Miller | August 9th, 2019
cook time: 5 mins
total time: 10 mins
Ingredients:
12 oz. White Chocolate Chips
¾ c. Heavy Cream
½ c. Marshmallow Fluff
Instructions:
Heat cream, and fluff together until all of the fluff has melted.
Pour over chocolate chips in a heat safe bowl.
Mix until smooth
Store in fridge until needed