Alright, here’s the deal…I’m very aware that this whole thing is very serious and people are actually dying from this crazy son of a bitch. I myself am freaking the fuck out about it. Illness and death are MAJOR triggers for my PTSD that I struggle with and am in therapy for.

Tons of people around me that I know and love deeply are incredibly vulnerable to this illness. My mom is the biggest bad ass and has survived cancer like 200000 times (4 times). How much would THAT suck?? You kick cancer’s ass 4 times and then a dang pneumonia-like virus takes you out?? That’d be so freaking lame. My mother in law had actual pneumonia a couple years ago that wasn’t caught soon enough, so it caused damage to her lungs. She would be super vulnerable. My husband’s aunt who I absolutely adore just started chemotherapy so she would be crazy vulnerable too.

We all have people we care about who could very realistically lose their lives….so…. WHY THE F*** AM I MAKING JOKES ABOUT THIS????

Well, honestly, it’s how I deal with trauma and stressful/scary/sad situations. If I can’t laugh at it, then I have to truly feel how sad it is. Making jokes about things like death and disasters and using humor to lighten up a dark situation is a deeply ingrained coping mechanism for me. Death and illness have been a very real part of my entire life.

My mom got breast cancer for the first time when I was only 6 months old. You wouldn’t think that an infant would really even notice what was going on, but trust me, it REALLY fucks with you. I’ve spent my whole life with this dark cloud hanging over my head, constantly worrying about IF the cancer would come back, and WHEN my mom would lose her super power and lose the fight. That kind of constant barrage of fear will make you find ways to avoid crumbling into a tiny ball on the floor. I built a way to survive and keep myself (somewhat) sane, and that way was humor. I learned that laughing at the scary, hurtful things allowed me to move on and attempt to live a normal life that wasn’t always clouded with fear of everyone around me getting sick and dying.

So please excuse me for making light of a very dark and scary situation, but I actually just have to or else I will literally spend all day panicking and crying. And sometimes that panic turns into me being scared of SUPER irrational things…like what if lighting strikes our propane tank on the roof and explodes our whole house and our dog dies (don’t know why I wasn’t worried about myself, just my wonderful perfect dog Diane Keaton).

ANYWAYS sorry for the hours long disclaimer, I just felt like I needed to share and explain that yes I know I’m being a dick.

SO NOW ON TO JOKES ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS LEGITIMATELY SCARY AND SAD TO EVERYONE SO I CAN FEEL BETTER!!

EVERYONE FREAK OUT!! BUY ALL THE TOILET PAPER AND HAND SANITIZER!! WE’RE ALL GONNA PIE!!

Well folks, this is it, the first time I’m writing a post on here that’s ACTUALLY CURRENTLY HAPPENING in the world. We are dealing with a very disruptive pandemic called COVID-19 (the actual disease) which is a type of coronavirus (which microscopically looks like its a weird spherical crown, hence the name).

So head to your local grocery store, and stock up on essentials… specifically these ingredients:

key limes (or juice)
graham cracker crumbs
butter
heavy cream (1 qt)
eggs
corona beers (they don’t cause the sickness ya dummies it’s just funny that they have the same name)

While you’re at the store fighting over the last thing of hand sanitizer, may I suggest fake coughing! It’ll make the person immediately drop whatever you’re grappling over and you’ll win the prize! Then immediately go wash your hands for at least 20 seconds (sing happy birthday twice).

Ok well now that you treated this very serious situation as a joke, karma comes after you** and you contract COVID-19 yourself! Now you’re quarantined, and have all the time in the world and can’t leave your house or talk to anyone. So let’s bake a pie and put booze in it! (alcohol can sterilize things right?)

**funny story: this happened to me. Some friends and I dressed up as swine flu for halloween and like two days later I caught it.

Anyways let’s do it! Let’s make a pie that makes fun of your situation!

First things first, WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS. Seriously. For AT LEAST 20 SECONDS. Now that your hands are clean, put some damn gloves on for further protection. Now we can bake.

Start by making the graham crust by browning your butter and combining the graham crumbs, sugar and salt into a medium bowl. Once the butter is browned, pour it into the bowl and mix it up until everything is evenly coated and sticks together when pressed. Then, pour into a 9” pie tin and press it down along the bottom and up the sides of the pie pan. Then bake the empty crust at 350ºF for about 5-8 minutes. Let it cool then keep it in the refrigerator until you need it.

Next…..WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS! “But I just did and I was wearing gloves!” I don’t care. Wash your hands and put on new gloves you monster.

Ok now for the filling, there are classic key lime fillings that use condensed milk, and I had originally planned on using this, but for some reason canned condensed milk was completely sold out due to apiecalypse hoarding. SO I went with more of like a key-lime custard style filling. This is the same method that was used in my previous two pie recipes so if you need more instructions or photos on the process, check those out.

Anyways, when making a custard always weigh out all of your ingredients first before heating anything because once the milk heats you have to move very quickly.

The basics are, combine your cream, sugar and salt in a medium pan on the stove, and heat to 170ºF or to a scald. Then separate your egg yolks into a medium bowl and set aside. Combine the corn starch and water in a small bowl and whisk together then pour that into the yolks and mix THOSE together. Then add in your lime juice and corona to the egg yolk mixture.

Once the cream has reached 170ºF, remove it from the heat and pour it slowly into the yolk bowl, whisking while you pour. Whisk that all together, then pour it ALL back into the pot and return the pot to the stove.

Heat it over a medium heat and whisk the ENTIRE TIME (don’t @ me alright, you have to whisk the whole time and I know you’re not doing anything else…you’re quarantined). Keep whisking until it starts to thicken. Once it starts to thicken, count to 20 (like your washing your hands…which you should KNOW HOW TO DO PROPERLY BY NOW). Remove the pot from the heat and continue to whisk for another 20 seconds.

Strain the custard into a bowl using a fine mesh strainer and then add in your lime zest and butter and stir together until the butter is all melted and mixed in.

Pour the custard into the prepared pie shell and cover the top with plastic wrap to keep a skin from forming. Let the pie chill in the refrigerator for at least 3 hours, but over-night is better if you can wait. And you can. You’re quarantined.

Finally, when you’re ready to serve up the pie and spread your illness with the rest of your neighbors so they can feel your pain too, whip up some whipped cream and throw that on top of the pie, and then add a little extra lime zest to make it look all pretty and stuff.

Now WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS AGAIN, and then ENJOY!

CoronaPIErus

prep time: 30 mins
cook time: 30 mins
total time: 4 + hours

Servings: 9" pie

Graham Cracker Crust:

Ingredients:

1 c. (120 g.) Graham Cracker Crumbs
¼ c. (50 g.) Sugar
¼ tsp (2 g.) Salt
1 stick (113 g.) Butter, Browned

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 350ºF
Brown your butter.
While that’s browning combine graham, sugar, and salt in a medium bowl and mix together.
Pour browned butter into bowl with remaining ingredients and mix together until combined and sticks together when pressed down.
Pour into a 9” pie tin and press down firmly along the bottom and up the sides.
Bake at 350ºF for 5-10 minutes or until the edges get a little more brown.
Refrigerate until needed.

Corona-Key-Lime Filling:

Ingredients:

1 ¼ c. Heavy cream
½ c. Sugar
¼ tsp. Salt

½ c. Key Lime Juice (don’t have to use fresh squeezed, bottled is ok)
¼ c. Corona extra

40 g. Cornstarch
¼ c. + 2T Water

4 ea Egg Yolks

35 g. Butter, cold, cubed
3 ea Key Lime Zest (1 ea regular lime if you can’t find fresh key limes)

Instructions:

Measure out ALL of your ingredients first:
1. Cream, sugar salt (medium pot)
2. Key lime juice, corona
3. Cornstarch, water (whisk together)
4. Egg yolks (medium bowl)
5. Butter (set aside in fridge)
Once everything is measured out, put the pot with the cream/sugar/salt over medium heat on the stove.
Combine your cornstarch/water into the egg yolk bowl and whisk together.
Add lime juice/corona into the yolk bowl and whisk together.
Once cream reaches 170ºF or is just too hot to the touch, then remove it from the heat and slowly pour into the bowl with the yolks etc. and whisk to combine
Return everything to the pot and return to medium heat on the stove.
Whisk everything continuously until it starts to thicken.
Once it starts to thicken, continue whisking for 20 seconds (or two happy birthdays, or how long you should be washing your hands whenever you wash your hands).
Remove from heat and whisk for another 20 seconds.
Strain into a medium sized bowl using a fine mesh strainer.
Add the butter and lime zest into the bowl and fold in until butter has melted and incorporated entirely.
Pour into chilled pie crust, and cover the top with plastic wrap.
Chill for at least 3 hours, best to chill over night.

Whipped Cream:

Ingredients:

1 c. Heavy Whipping cream
¼ c. Powdered Sugar
½ tsp Vanilla

Instructions:

Whip everything together until stiff peaks
spread out on pie or use a piping bag/tip to pipe it out if you wanna get fancy.
Garnish with lime zest
Enjoy!